NEED TO KNOW
- A woman’s girlfriend boxed up four moving boxes of her books to “declutter” their living space
- She says her books aren’t clutter but cherished memories, gifts and a central part of her life
- Now, she’s considering ending the relationship, wondering if this boundary violation is a dealbreaker
A woman turns to the Reddit community for support following a painful conflict with her girlfriend that has her questioning the future of their relationship. The issue at the center of it all is her beloved book collection.
“I’m an avid reader. I don’t just buy books to have them. I read them. I re-read my favorites, loan them to friends, and just… like being surrounded by them,” she explains. For her, the shelves of novels are more than just decorations.
She shares that she owns six large bookshelves in her living room, each filled to capacity. “They’re full, with some double-stacking and a few rows two-deep. It’s a little messy, but it’s organized chaos to me. I know where everything is,” she writes.
Her girlfriend, however, sees the collection in a very different light. A self-described minimalist, she thinks the books “collect dust and make the space look unmanageable.”
The woman says she has tried to explain how important the books are to her. While her girlfriend has said she “tries to understand,” the poster notes that “it’s clear she just tolerates them.”
The situation came to a head when the woman returned home one evening to a shocking discovery. “I came home from work and found that while I was out, she had taken it upon herself to go through my shelves,” she says.
Her girlfriend had packed up four large moving boxes with books. “Her reasoning was that she ‘knew’ I hadn’t re-read them (based on… I don’t know, dust? A guess?) and that I wouldn’t miss them,” she explains.
Although her partner stopped short of donating the books herself, she expected them gone soon. “She said she didn’t donate them herself because ‘that would be over the line,’ but she wanted me to take them to the donation center this weekend as a ‘compromise’ to declutter our shared space,” the woman recalls.
The act left her feeling betrayed. “I was furious. I felt violated. My books aren’t just objects; they’re stories I love, gifts from people, and memories,” she shares.
To her, the choice to box up the books without asking first was deeply personal. “The fact that she took it upon herself to decide what was important to me felt incredibly disrespectful and aggressive, even if she didn’t throw them out,” she says.
The disagreement turned into a heated argument between the couple. According to the poster, her girlfriend insisted that she was “overreacting,” saying they were “just books” and accusing her of choosing “clutter” over their relationship.
But for the woman, it was about more than clutter. “I told her she massively overstepped a boundary and showed zero respect for my belongings and my passion,” she reveals.
The moment has forced her to consider whether the relationship can continue. “Now I’m seriously considering breaking up with her,” she admits, calling the clash “a fundamental incompatibility.”
She worries that her girlfriend will never truly value what matters most to her. “She doesn’t see my biggest hobby as anything but a nuisance, and she felt entitled to unilaterally decide to remove a huge part of my home without my consent,” she says.
Still, she questions whether her feelings are fair. “Am I really overreacting about ‘just books’ and need to get over it to be a better [significant other]?” she asks.
In an update, the woman adds more context about herself. “Some additional context, I’m autistic and might not have picked up on signs or nonverbal [communication] that this was bugging her as much as it clearly did,” she shares.
She acknowledges that both partners have work to do if they want to move forward. “If we are to continue a relationship, we have to communicate better,” she writes.
Even as commenters urge her to see the behavior as a red flag, she remains measured in her response. “It’s entirely possible that she didn’t go straight from no conversation to packing up my stuff,” she says.
Instead, she plans to bring the community’s suggestions to her girlfriend. “I plan on having a conversation with her to address the points and suggestions that a lot of y’all brought up,” she explains.
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Some commenters offered ideas for compromise, including arranging the books differently. One asked if she could group the titles “by what the cover looks like (reds together, or by size and color, etc).”
The woman responded thoughtfully, noting that she keeps books by topic and refuses to separate a series. “But maybe a way to organize them overall to be more aesthetically pleasing,” she admits, adding that she would likely “have to get a couple more shelves to do that though.”
Despite the hurt and the uncertainty, she is open to finding solutions. “I’ll see if we can come up with ideas together when we talk,” she says.
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