Ty Herndon ‘Didn’t Realize How Much of My Life Was Ruled’ by Struggles with His Gay Identity (Exclusive)

"I can finally breathe," Herndon tells PEOPLE as he prepares to release his first memoir, 'What Mattered Most'

NEED TO KNOW

• Ty Herndon reflects on his struggles with sexuality, addiction and trauma in his new memoir, What Mattered Most
• The country star tells PEOPLE about how writing the book helped him find healing and reconciliation with his past
• Herndon highlights his journey to self-acceptance and his current life with husband Alex Schwartz

Ty Herndon looked back on his storied life for a new memoir and learned more about himself through the writing process.

The 63-year-old country star's book, What Mattered Most: A Memoir, comes out on Thursday, March 26 and features reflections on his struggles with coming to terms with his gay identity as well as substance use, sexual assault, multiple suicide attempts and religious trauma.

Writing about the ups and downs of his life was a heavy task for Herndon, but it's also been a liberating experience. "I can finally breathe," he tells PEOPLE. "But there's still a slight bit of congestion right above my heart going, 'I hope that they love it.'"

The book opens with a story about Herndon attending a Baptist church service at 10 years old and getting told directly by a preacher that homosexuality was "ungodly" — long before the "What Mattered Most" singer could even comprehend the idea that he was gay.

The disheartening experience preceded decades of internalized homophobia for Herndon, who spent much of his early adulthood balancing public relationships with women and private relationships with men before officially coming out in 2014. Recounting such moments for his book was "tough" for the artist.

"I didn't realize how much of my life was ruled by [my sexuality] with that real desire just to be loved and the real desire just to be 'normal,'" says Herndon, who's found a different version of "normal" within his marriage to husband Alex Schwartz today. "I got a house payment, a husband, a dog, maybe a baby next year. We got car payments, insurance. We are pretty normal."

His current perspective shows how far he's come from suppressing his gay identity in the past through "addictions" to methamphetamine, pornography love and sex. "It’s astounding to me that I put so much energy in just trying to find the answer to be happy," says Herndon.

An especially emotional aspect of writing the book for Herndon was reflecting on his past relationships with women including ex-wife Renee Posey. "I always wanted to fall in love, even with the people that I only knew for a second, because I wanted them to love me. And that's the crazy part about it all," he says.

Herndon did genuinely feel affection for the "beautiful women that were in my life" and quips that he had "good taste" in heterosexual romantic partners. "And I knew that they truly loved me," he says. "One of the top three hardest parts was reliving the pain that I caused them."

While writing What Mattered Most, the performer made sure to highlight the positive elements of his past relationships as well as his own faults. "Someone asked me the other day, said, 'Well, is this a big tell-all book?' It said, 'Hell yeah, I'm telling on myself. I ain't telling on nobody, not telling on everybody else,'" he explains.

"Whether you're in my life or not anymore, how I affected your hometown — which I call you — I'm sorry if I left wreckage there, and I know I did," adds Herndon, who feels a "great desire to heal that" while knowing he may never "have the opportunity" to do so.

Herndon's main focus with looking back on relationships for the book is to find "reconciliation with myself and hopefully some reconciliation with some folks that are silent in this story," he explains. "I truly did care about them and still do."

What Mattered Most: A Memoir comes out Friday, March 27 via Dey Street Books.

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