A newlywed woman found herself in a tense exchange with her father-in-law after deciding to keep her maiden name.
She explained the situation in a Feb. 20 post on Reddit’s “Am I The A—— ” forum, writing, “Before we got married my husband and I talked and agreed that I could keep my current last name.” She added that it “never occurred to me” that they would need to share this decision with family.
She said their differing last names weren’t announced during their wedding ceremony, but that she casually mentioned to her sister-in-law that she wasn’t changing her name. The woman admitted she was unsure if her sister-in-law told everyone else to “intentionally” cause conflict or if she assumed they were already aware.
“Anyways, once we got back from our honeymoon and finished moving into our new house my husband’s parents invited us over,” the Redditor wrote. “What I thought was going to be a nice first visit as husband and wife quickly turned into a fight.”
The woman said her father-in-law began to express how “wonderful” his last name is and told her that she would demand respect from the community by having it.
She attempted to stay calm while listing the reasons why she preferred to keep her current last name. Among them was the cost of changing IDs, the uniqueness of her family’s last name and that it was already stated on her home business and degrees.
“None of these reasons were good enough for him,” the woman said. “He replied, ‘Well other DIL [daughter-in-law] changed her name and she has the same degree as you, and then MIL [mother-in-law] said it didn’t cost her any money to change her name (but that was 40 yrs ago, things change).’ ”
“I said I don’t feel that I further need to justify my decision to you since you’re not listening or understanding my perspective,” she continued. “Now, FIL [father-in-law] says I am insulting him by rejecting his name and all his friends are going to suspect something is wrong and that I am making a mistake and that no one will respect me.”
The woman said she was “full on crying,” having walked out mid-conversation with her father-in-law standing up to do a “surrendering gesture.”
She added, “I think I could be the AH for 2 reasons here 1) for not publicly announcing my intentions to keep my maiden name and 2) for walking out mid-conversation with my new in-laws?”
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Commenters were quick to reassure the woman that she wasn’t in the wrong for wanting to keep her last name.
“It’s your name, no one gets to tell you what it should or shouldn’t be,” one commenter wrote. “I’d say if anyone is disrespecting other people’s names, it’s your FIL for not thinking your name is as good as his.”
They continued, “The fact that he was so rude in his expression of his opinion only further proves you are NTA [not the a—–] for walking out and avoiding any more conflict, as most people would have done much worse.”
Several people argued her husband should’ve stood up for her decision during the conversation with her father-in-law.
“So in the first situation as a married couple where your husband should have defended his wife he failed miserably. That sucks OP [original poster],” a commenter said. “NTA and I’m truly sorry you even had to ask if you were.”
“NTA. Your husband agrees with his father. Hence his silence. Either that or he’s willing to let his father dictate things in his life,” another said.
“Wait until you have kids to tell them they are taking your name, or a hyphenated version of both lol,” a third quipped.
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