- A Reddit user is asking for reassurance after telling his soon-to-be wife he didn’t agree with her wearing her late husband’s wedding ring during their ceremony
- The man, 30, wrote his fiancée said she’s “allowed to honor her past while still moving forward”
- Ultimately, commenters agreed that he wasn’t in the wrong, and recommended they try “something different to honor” to late husband
A man is asking the internet for advice ahead of his wedding day after learning his wife wants to wear the wedding ring of her late husband during the ceremony.
The 30-year-old soon-to-be newlywed shared a post to Reddit’s popular “Am I the A——” forum, revealing that he’s getting married in the fall to his 30-year-old fiancée — noting that there’s been “one thing that’s been eating at me.”
His fiancée, Emily, was once married to a man, Tyler, who died in a car accident five years ago. The pair wed in their early 20s, the Reddit user wrote, and were “truly in love” ahead of the tragic death.
“At first, she was very open about it, and I respected that. I knew coming into this relationship that I wasn’t her ‘first great love,’ and I was okay with that. I still am, mostly,” the Reddit user wrote. “Over the years, I’ve supported her through moments of grief, anniversaries, random waves of sadness. She still visits his grave on his birthday, and she keeps a box of his things in our closet. I’ve never touched it.”
As the Reddit user explained, Emily told him “a few weeks ago” that she plans to wear Tyler’s wedding ring on a chain around her neck during their wedding day, calling it “a quiet tribute.”
“She said she wouldn’t be where she is now without having gone through that loss, and she feels like carrying that part of her story into this new chapter is meaningful,” he wrote. “I didn’t say much at the time because I didn’t know how to respond. But the more I sat with it, the more it bothered me. So I finally told her how I felt.”
The fiancé then told Emily that their wedding day should be “a celebration of us,” adding that “it’s hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of her wearing another man’s wedding ring — even if he’s gone.”
“I told her it makes me feel like I’m sharing the most important day of my life with someone who’s not here. I said it makes me feel like second place,” the Reddit user wrote. “She got very quiet, then told me that she wasn’t ‘choosing’ him over me, and that she’s allowed to honor her past while still moving forward. She said grief isn’t a door you close — it just becomes part of who you are. I get that. I really do.”
“But at the same time, I don’t think I’m asking something outrageous by wanting this one day — our day — to be about the life we’re building together, not the one she lost,” the user added.
There’s since been “a weird tension” between the couple, the anonymous internet user noted, sharing that she hasn’t discussed it with him since and that he’s “struggling with the idea of standing at the altar and knowing she’s literally carrying a symbol of her first marriage as she says vows to start a new one with me.”
“I’ve told no one in my life about this — not my friends, not my family — because I know how it might sound. But internally, it’s tearing me up,” he wrote. “I don’t want to hurt her, and I definitely don’t want to start a marriage with resentment or guilt. But am I wrong for what I said? I haven’t asked her not to wear it explicitly (yet), but made it clear I’m not comfortable with it.”
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The most-upvoted response in the Reddit thread — from someone who lost their spouse at 29 and remarried six years later — noted that while they can relate to the “fiancée’s rationale,” they believe she’s “wrong.”
“Your wedding is inherently, implicitly and factually about your relationship together and her late husband shouldn’t be a part of it,” the commenter wrote. “There are lots of ways she can continue to honor and remember him the rest of her life, this is one day. My worry for you is that she’s doing it as a sort of apology to him for moving on with you. I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of that either.”
Another commenter wrote that they “understand her sentiment,” while they “also understand and feel for” the Reddit user.
“I would strongly suggest couples counseling and having that unbiased third party help you both with this issue,” the commenter wrote. “If she wears the ring, you will be hurt. If she doesn’t wear the ring, she will be hurt. This could cause resentment from the start. A therapist can help you figure out what is best for both of you to start and have a happy and fruitful marriage.”
While some commenters recommended postponing the reception, another floated the idea of her doing “something different to honor Tyler that day.”
“Maybe light a candle for him or something else so that she literally isn’t wearing two wedding rings while walking back up the aisle,” they wrote. “You’re not wrong for your feelings and she isn’t either, you just need to find a different compromise.”
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