Abby and Matt Howard have garnered a following of over 5.3 million people on TikTok. Their videos about married life and young parenthood vary between comical skits and honest reflections. The duo, both 26, also open up on their Unplanned Podcast, where they discuss hot topics and interview fellow stars.
While raising their sons Griffin, 2, and August, 1, the Howards have continued to grow their online community, navigating the backlash and negativity that comes with the job of content creation. Over a year ago, Abby found herself scrolling mindlessly on TikTok at times when she could’ve been spending time with her family. She made the decision to delete the app and defer posting responsibilities to her team of employees.
Despite the fact that she and Matt’s primary income sources are from social media, Abby says she doesn’t at all regret removing TikTok from her phone. In her own words — as told to PEOPLE’s Zoey Lyttle — the influencer explains how she’s become a better person and mother because of it.
I deleted TikTok as a consumer, not as a creator, but it’s definitely been an additional bonus not seeing hateful things about myself in my own comment sections.
It’s also nice to not come across videos about me made by other creators (whom I have never met) that are littered with misunderstandings, hatefulness and downright lies. Nothing can prepare you for the jump scare that happens when you’re scrolling for your own entertainment only to see a video dedicated to casting a negative light on you as a person.
Those might’ve pushed the needle towards deleting TikTok off my phone, but my main motivation was simple: scrolling TikTok was not making me a better person. I scrolled when I was feeling my worst, and after I was done using the app, I usually felt even worse than before. That was a cycle I wanted to break.
Looking back, I think TikTok made me less present as a mom, too. I would open it up and scroll without even consciously deciding it was a good time for entertainment. There were times that I would look up and wonder what my sons were seeing; they were seeing their mom staring down at her phone at times when we could be making memories together.
Don’t get me wrong — I can admit my kids definitely see me on my phone. I just want to be very conscious of limiting those moments, and taking mindless scrolling out of the picture helped alleviate those feelings of guilt and sadness.
I had some fears about deleting TikTok, where my husband Matt and I have built up a following. Personally, I don’t really resonate with “fame,” but my involvement as a creator on the app made it difficult to take it off my phone. It’s no secret that a major part of our income comes from social platforms, and most importantly, I’m passionate about what we do. I have a real connection to our audience.
Deleting the app almost felt wrong and a little irresponsible too, so I had to plan it out. I know New Year’s Resolutions can sound hokey or lame, but I needed a set date to keep myself accountable and see it through. I also needed some time to plan it all out and get my systems in order to make sure we could still share content with the people about whom I care so much. I just didn’t want to be the one to physically tap the “share” button when that content was ready.
I have not had the app on my phone since New Year’s Eve 2023. The only TikToks I see are my own, or if my friends want to share one with me, they’ll go the extra mile and download it to send over text. Other than that, I have no direct interaction with the app. I feel very, very grateful to have the help of a trusted team who posts my content for me.
Here’s a behind-the-scenes look at what it’s like to be a TikToker without TikTok access: I come up with the concept for a video, and then I film what I have in mind by myself. I send my editor the idea for my concept, the footage and an outline of the story I want to tell. My editor compiles it all together, and we go back and forth a little to make sure the vision is right. That final, approved video then gets sent to our employee, who posts it on my behalf.
My husband has been nothing but supportive and encouraging regarding my decision to get rid of TikTok. He’s proud of me and the way I reclaimed autonomy over my time. I have to give him so much credit for the ways he’s rooted me on and ultimately made this possible. Since we create content as a duo, he’s had to adjust in his own ways, but I couldn’t be more grateful for his support.
If it sounds like I have any animosity towards TikTok itself, I assure you that couldn’t be further from the truth. I give that platform so much of the credit for allowing us to do what we do today. Even beyond that, we have met so many really incredible people through the app, and what I’m more thankful for are the women and moms who have seen my content — specifically my realest moments of vulnerability — and felt some sort of connection.
We’ve grown a community that embraces the more challenging parts of new parenthood and encourages one another through it. Yes, some viewers have misunderstood our message, but the reward that these women have been to me is far greater than any drama.
If not for social media, I wouldn’t have met these people, some of whom I get to call my close personal friends. Seriously, these are women I’m raising my kids around, the type of friends that I can call in the middle of the night if my baby isn’t feeling well and I am not sure what to do. They’re the type of friends that will drop off a meal when life gets crazy or even just join you for a trip to Costco.
Isn’t that such a beautiful thing? When social media really does bring people together?
I know firsthand how that isn’t always the side of it that we experience. Part of me feels that some changes could be made to make platforms less toxic, but at the end of the day, I think social media is just a reflection of the people using it. Tweaking an app won’t solve the issue of certain people using it to tear others down. At the end of the day, people need to take accountability for the hate they give and address the real reason they are inclined to treat others that way.
All that to reiterate that I didn’t delete TikTok as a creator. Taking it off my phone won’t change the way people react to my content. I deleted TikTok as a consumer, however sometimes — albeit very rarely — I feel at a disadvantage as a creator without the app.
In some instances, there have been misunderstandings or just straight-up rumors and lies that circulated about me on TikTok, and I had no idea what was going on. I was just living unbothered and completely unaware, but to the viewers, my silence looked like avoidance. And that avoidance was perceived as guilt, when in reality I simply don’t have a way to tap into the latest conversation.
Those moments are defeating, but I try to remind myself that there’s a much bigger goal with being inactive in that capacity. I’m doing this for me, for my wellbeing and to be a better parent, and I have not turned back.
Candidly, I’m not the trendiest person when it comes to social media. I am falling behind on the slang, and I’m probably the last to know the gossip. As time goes on, I participate in fewer and fewer viral trends, but on the bright side, it helps me think about what type of content inspires me personally. Trends can be a great tool to expand your audience, but at this point, I feel content with our reach. I’m focused on cultivating the healthy relationship I already have with my current audience.
The time spent off my phone has indeed made me more present as a mom, just as I figured it would. Any parent is going to struggle with distractions, so I just decided to be extremely judicious about what I was allowing those distractions to be. If it’s not something my kids can participate in or learn something from, then I really consider letting it go.
Scrolling on TikTok is not something I want to model for my kids, but I do want them to see me cook and prepare a meal, and maybe even invite them to help in the process. I want my sons to see me hanging out with friends and going on dates with their dad so that they can learn to value relationships and community, especially “in-person” ones.
Plus, I still work! I’m still a big part of the process of creating and sharing content, and it’s important my kids can see that too. Yes, they’re always my priority, but they should also know Mom takes pride in her financial contribution to our household.
I have heard it said that guilty moms make for confused children, so I do the work I need to, but I do it as efficiently as possible. That’s why there’s someone at the other end of the editing process to press “post” on TikTok.
In many ways, the same can apply to parents whose jobs aren’t based on social media. In this day and age, we all have phones. We are all expected to be reachable at almost any time of day. But we control the phone — it does not control us. Every person should think critically about how they use their time because time is precious. It’s something you can’t buy with money, and nothing has made me view time so preciously as raising children.
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