Kelsey Grammer Says Revisiting His Sister’s Murder in Memoir Healed Him: ‘I Don’t Blame Myself Anymore’ (Exclusive)

Kelsey Grammer will never forget the last time he heard his sister Karen Grammer’s voice.

It was June 30, 1975, and the actor — then 20 — had returned home to Florida after being kicked out of the prestigious Juilliard School in NYC. Karen, who’d recently followed a boyfriend to Colorado Springs, Colorado, was soon set to join Kelsey and the rest of their family to celebrate her 19th birthday.

During a phone call, the close-knit siblings talked excitedly about their plans — Kelsey was looking forward to them spending the summer together and introducing her to his girlfriend. He recalls them telling each other, “I’ll see you in a little bit,” and “I can’t wait to see you again.”

Ten days later, Kelsey was informed by detectives that Karen had been violently murdered in the early hours of July 1. The perpetrators, Freddie Glenn, Larry Dunn and Eric McLeod — who took the lives of seven people in a killing spree that summer — were believed to be planning to rob the Red Lobster where Karen worked when they spotted her near the back entrance and abducted her. They raped and tortured her before stabbing her 42 times, slashing her throat and leaving her for dead in a mobile home park.

Despite her wounds, she crawled to someone’s stoop in an attempt to get help. There, she passed away, hand in a fist above her head with one finger pointing, Kelsey believes, in the direction where she was attacked.

In his new memoir, Karen: A Brother Remembers (out on May 6), Kelsey explores his devastation over losing his beloved little sister. “I was desolated. Drowning in grief,” he writes, adding that he blamed himself for her demise even though he was some 2,000 miles away. “I was her protector, her big brother. I felt I should have stopped it.”

The book — written in an intimate, stream-of-conscious style — goes back and forth between the details of Karen’s death and Kelsey’s own life story (the five-time Emmy winner shares revelations about his acting journey, failed relationships and substance abuse issues).

Writing it was no easy feat — but Kelsey says doing so helped him heal and ultimately forgive himself. “It’s been amazing,” he tearfully tells Us. “I don’t carry the self-loathing part anymore. I don’t blame myself anymore. I just miss her.”

Us sat down with the 70-year-old dad of seven (he shares Spencer, 41, with ex-wife Doreen Alderman; Greer, 33, with ex Barrie Buckner; Mason, 23, and Jude, 20, with his former wife Real Housewives of Beverly Hills alum Camille Meyer; and Faith, 12, Gabriel, 10, and James, 8, with his wife of 14 years, Kayte Walsh, 46) to talk about keeping Karen’s memory alive and finding light within the darkness.

Why did you decide to write this book?
The whole idea was to bring Karen here to remember her. People have said, “Wow, I really feel like I got to know her,” and that’s what I wanted to do. And also release myself from some of the guilt I’ve lived with for a long time.

You’ve said it isn’t a book about grief, it’s a book about life. Tell Us more about that.
It is definitely joyful. For a long time, the grief was in the ascendancy and stayed there. And finally, the joy kind of crept back. They live evenly now — maybe even a little weighted more toward the joy. If there’s one thing I hope I can pass on to people who’ve suffered similar grief, it’s to look back on the life [the person] lived rather than the life they lost.

You write that Karen asked you to tell her story.
I had a conversation with a medium about three years ago and she said, “Oh, your sister’s here. She wants you to tell her story.” It was that simple. I waited a couple of months and started jotting down some notes, and after I got to around 20 pages, I suddenly thought, “This is a book.”

What was it like to revisit the horrible events that led to her death?
It was really hard. I would sometimes disappear down a sadness I couldn’t shake. After I read the police report, I couldn’t do a thing for about three weeks. I had to take a break.

You went back to the scene of the crime for the book. Why was that important?
I was able to discover things about her that were equally remarkable in the moment. Things I kind of knew anyway, but the fact that she crawled as far as she did, and staggered as much as she did in those last moments of her life, was really heartbreaking. [It was] very difficult to go through, but it felt like I had to be there. I had to walk those steps with her.

You were the one to ID her body. What was that like?
It’s still a haunting image. The strangest thing about it was that there was a comfort in knowing she wasn’t in that body anymore. This year, I found a quote from C.S. Lewis [that says], “You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.” And I thought, “That’s it.”

It will be 50 years since her death in July. Is it hard to believe she’s been gone that long?
Sometimes. The flip side of that is she’s always been with me. The only thing I ever wonder is, does she look at me on the other side of time and say, “Well, you’re aging OK.” [Laughs.]

Did you feel her with you while writing?
Absolutely. She knew what the mission was — for me to finally be OK. I’ve spent my entire life in a blame game, and I think she thought I was wasting my time. That it wasn’t my fault and that I needed to know it. There may have also been a sense that I have something else I have to do and that getting through this was a launching pad into a new life.

You mentioned being scared to lose her again after finishing the book.
[There] was a part of me when I started writing that thought, “[Will] this change the way we are together?” It actually got stronger. We’re OK. She’s been happily at my side throughout so much of this and I know she’s happy about my life today and my children.

What do you miss most about her?
The connection. There was an ease about Karen in my life. Even when she was little, we were just there, together. We had come to be together. It was a special relationship. Karen was always the simplest, most beautiful sort of reflection of myself and connection to another human.

Did losing her shake your faith?
Yeah. I thought I lost it. The Jesus and the God that I knew when I was a little boy that I trusted — it didn’t seem like they were there at one point. That was very hard. This book is about helping people get back to faith. There are a lot of people out there, including me, who grieve with them and will always give them a hand to hold.

Two of her murderers died in prison, but Freddie Glenn is up for parole again in late 2027. You’ve been present at his earlier hearings. Why?
It’s what I can do. My focus is on keeping him in jail. I believe he should never be free. He can be free when he dies. He can step into… whatever he’s stepping into.

Have you forgiven her killers?
There’s a [Anton] Chekhov line that goes, “Since we are forgiven, it would be foolish if we do not forgive.” I’ve embraced that concept. Carrying hatred destroys the person carrying it. Being able to forgive allows you to actually breathe again.

In the book, you touch on numbing your pain with drugs and alcohol.
I ended up in a situation for a while where I did do some pretty heavy drinking. I was interested in burying a lot of my guilt. There was a great guy that I met, and he said that the cause of all addiction is unresolved grief.

You also discuss being in an unhappy marriage with a woman but leave out her name. Why?
It’s not a tabloid book or an “I want to get back at somebody” book. It’s about Karen and a kind look at all the people that came into my life and left my life at different times. That’s the only situation where I thought, “Well, the kindest thing is omission.”

You found happiness with Kayte. How did your wife support you during the writing process?
Kayte has a remarkable ability to analyze a situation and come up with a positive but thoughtful reflection of what she thinks other people are thinking. She has an analytical mind that I don’t have.

There’s a sad revelation about you and Kayte being forced to abort a baby who would’ve been Faith’s twin in order to save your daughter. How did that affect your marriage?
It actually made us stronger in a lot of ways. Kayte went through a lot. We can cry buckets over that day, but we have the blessing of knowing that [our son] Gabriel came [next].

What’s it like being a father of seven?
It’s been interesting. The age range is from [41] to eight. That’s pretty great. The 12, 10 and 8-year-old are the ones I spend every day with, and it’s fantastic. They are amazing, and they make my life worthwhile. The love I have in my life today is absolutely breathtaking.

Has Karen’s murder influenced the way you parent at all?
[Mostly in that] I hope they don’t have to experience what I’ve experienced. I want my kids to live fully and take risks and be bold and adventurous.

How have they helped you heal?
[They’ve] reminded me how wonderful life is and how magnificent it is to see it through their eyes. I get to hitchhike with them and rediscover this magnificent place.

You’ve said your grief kept you from living a fully happy life. Has that changed, given where you are today?
It’s been amazing since the book came out and since we started sort of harvesting what [this] gift was. I’ve never had a better time in my life. Never.

What message do you hope to get across with this book?
Grief is a powerful thing. And it’s proper that we grieve. But to bring joy in line with the grief — to have them stand side by side and have moments of great joy — that’s the trick.