Meredith Gaudreau Recalls the Moment She Found Out Husband Johnny Had Died: ‘I Couldn’t Stand Up’

Meredith Gaudreau penned an emotional letter about Johnny Gaudreau’s tragic death nearly a year after he and his brother were killed while cycling together in New Jersey.

“I was in shock. I was keeled over for days sick to my stomach,” she wrote of the moment she found out Johnny had died in the letter, published in the Players’ Tribune on Thursday, June 12. “It’s completely indescribable. The only person who can relate to me is my own sister-in-law. I see her and my heart breaks for her.”

Johnny was 31 and his brother, Matthew, was 29 when they were struck and killed by a drunk driver near their hometown in New Jersey. The driver, Sean Higgins, faces six charges, including aggravated manslaughter and reckless vehicular homicide. He has pleaded not guilty on all charges.

Johnny and Matthew were preparing to celebrate their younger sister Katie’s wedding, which was rescheduled after the accident. She now plans to get married in July 2025.

Johnny shared daughter Noa, 2, and Johnny Jr., 15 months, with Meredith, who gave birth to son Carter in April. Matthew was expecting his first child later that year with his wife, Madeline.

Meredith said her thoughts turned to her entire family amid her grief.

“To go from getting ready for a beautiful wedding all week with your sister, to being in a funeral home with Madeline trying to figure all these things out — it just hurt so much,” she continued. “It was weird and it was awful. I had to go to the doctor for our third baby. The first of my appointments where you weren’t holding my hand.”

“I looked at Noa and baby Johnny and I felt a pain that I hadn’t felt before,” she added. “Our two babies who have to grow up without their dad, without their amazing uncle.”

Meredith said in the months since Johnny’s death, she “hasn’t stopped missing” him.

“I thought of our baby inside of me. I couldn’t stand up,” she admitted. “I was awake and having nightmares. Thinking of you in that moment. Thinking of Matty. It’s just the worst thing I could have ever imagined. And in an instant, I missed you more than I knew was possible.”

After the accident, the hockey world rallied around the Gaudreau family, with Johnny’s former team, the Columbus Blue Jackets, honoring him before their first preseason game of the 2024-25 season.

Players also wore helmet stickers flanked by two doves and the players’ uniform numbers — 13 for Johnny and 21, the number Matthew wore when he played for Boston College. They began wearing jersey patches at the start of the regular season.

“The hockey world, the sports world, they showed up for us, too,” Meredith wrote. “To see people go from just knowing about ‘Johnny Hockey,’ to hearing about how amazing of a father you were, of a person you were? I know that’s what would have mattered to you.”