It was hard for Penn Badgley to know if he was himself or if he was Dan Humphrey for a while.
The actor, 38, reflected on the challenges he faced during his early years on Gossip Girl on the Wednesday, April 23, episode of Call Her Daddy, as he admitted there was “not enough separation” between him as a person and the character he was playing.
“Interfacing in that space can actually feel really crazy, and you suddenly feel the need to perform, and you’re just like, ‘Why can’t I just say something f—– normal?'” he said of his transition to celebrity.
“What starts to happen when you’re in this one role for a long time, the aspect of celebrity being a part of it — a huge part of it — there is not enough separation, I think, for anybody,” he continued.
“You’re seen as this person, you’re called their name out on the street. You also constantly have to be that person at work.”
The You star, who was in his early twenties at the time, admitted he “didn’t have the emotional maturity to understand to how to differentiate myself [from Dan] just in terms of self-worth.”
“What people seemed to think of Dan seemed to be what people thought of me,” he continued.
It was a “struggle,” he said, particularly as the show continued on for years. “There are many differences between film and television. One of them is that when you do a film, you do it once and you kinda give it your all. And then you move on, whether you want to or not. When you do a television show, you’re doing it constantly.”
He did clarify, though, that he had “enough sense, enough intelligence, enough self-worth” that he “wasn’t losing myself” completely amid the fame, but it still “bothered” him.
During the episode, he also reflected on how he had previously been “financially independent” thanks to his career-launching gig on The Young and the Restless at 12, so he felt “tired of television by the time Gossip Girl came around.”
“When you’re 20 years old and you’ve been doing something professionally since you’re 12, that’s your life. That’s your whole life,” he said after revealing he initially turned down the role of Dan as he felt “disillusioned” by Hollywood.
“[I had] a tiredness about me at 20 that I think is not typical for a 20-year-old, because I had been working for so long.”
He eventually took the part because he was “close to broke” and “the future was a real unknown and I think the stakes [were] high.”
Never miss a story — sign up for PEOPLE’s free daily newsletter to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories.
Gossip Girl can be streamed on Max and You season 5 is now streaming on Netflix.
Read the full article here