NEED TO KNOW
- Hayley Folk is in an ethical, non-monogamous relationship with her husband
- She makes videos and writes about her relationship and partners to raise awareness and fight stigmas
- Folk shares her relationship online in hopes to help others like her feel less alone
Hayley Folk is very open about her relationship.
Folk, 30, is a bisexual polyamorous woman who is in an ethical, non-monogamous relationship with her husband. Folk “spent the almost past 10 years coming to terms with being polyamorous, ethically non-monogamous, and finding relationships that suit me.”
Folk talks with PEOPLE exclusively about her lifestyle, why she shares her content and what she hopes people learn and take away from her videos and articles.
In her first marriage, her husband opened their relationship because he believed it was what she wanted.
“I was going in blind and had no clue what I was doing, but through two years of being in an open relationship and then an open marriage, when we got married, I realized I was polyamorous,” she explains to PEOPLE. “The relationship ended for multiple reasons, one of them being that my ex-husband realized he was monogamous, and we realized we didn’t [work] for each other. We got married young, and then I moved to New York.”
Once Folk moved to New York, she began dating and met her now-husband, Kyle, with whom she has been open since the beginning of their relationship. Then, Folk began writing professionally about her life online, and for her, it felt like a “therapeutic processing piece.” This year, she started sharing videos about her polyamorous lifestyle online and grew her following, sharing an honest look at her life.
She receives a lot of comments on her content, both positive and negative. Through her platform, she has built a community of people who discovered they are polyamorous and interested in ethical non-monogamy. Folk has been able to quell misconceptions about what polyamory and ethical non-monogamy look like, including the idea that “polyamory is a way to say out loud that you want to cheat, and that is not the case.”
“Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term, and being polyamorous is having the ability to love multiple people at once. Someone can be polyamorous and be in a closed relationship. The ability to be polyamorous and ethically non-monogamous is so that you can be honest about what you want.”
In making her content, Folk hopes that ethical non-monogamy can be normalized.
“It doesn’t have to be something that’s taboo. It doesn’t have to be something that’s a conversation starter, something that everyone else can gawk at,” she continues. “What I’ve come to find over time is that, like queerness, polyamory can be a normal thing. To embody this lifestyle, there is the ability also eventually to come to terms with it, and we’re all living our lives in the way that we know how best [to].”
Though it varies from relationship to relationship, Folk shares that she and her husband have rules for each other, and she acknowledges that “the rules do fluctuate over time.”
“We always check in with each other before and after dates with other people. Check-in can be done over text, FaceTime, or in person,” she explains. “We like to take the time beforehand to set intentions and check in with each other, and that’s something that we strictly abide by.”
Folk also explains that during these check-ins, they conduct a temperature check on the relationship to ensure they’re spending enough time together.
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One of Folk’s most significant pieces of advice for those who have been in a monogamous relationship for a while and are looking to open up is to “take your time.”
“Slower is better. Maybe create a dating profile together and swipe through profiles together, imagining going on dates. Sit down and write out every possible scenario that you are afraid of happening, and talk about those things openly,” she details. “Sometimes, people open up as a way to save their relationship or fulfill their partner’s needs, but they don’t discuss their fears. If you can access those conversations together before you do anything and continue to have those conversations, that’s the healthiest way.”
She also recommends that couples consider investing in a couples therapist who specializes in and understands alternative relationship styles.
“You need someone who can truly understand and is coming at it from a completely non-biased perspective.”
There are many things that Folk enjoys about her relationships, including “not having to hide anything about myself from my primary partner.”
“There is a level of freedom and transparency that happens when you can truly say anything, and you don’t have to filter yourself,” Folk shares. “I can be myself openly, honestly and authentically, including the connections I want with other people, and it’s okay. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with our relationship or that it’s bad.”
The hardest part about her relationship, Folk shares, is the “judgment from society.”
“I’ve developed a very thick skin over the years. I discuss this online for a reason, and some comments are quite harsh,” Folk recalls. “I would be lying if I said it didn’t affect me at all. I could see for other new [polyamorous] people; maybe that fear of judgment could be the worst part.”
“I want to help other people. When I opened my previous marriage, I felt so deeply alone. I was searching through Reddit and was following the advice of strangers. I was trying to find any resources,” Folk shares. “People don’t get it more often than not, so I want to make sure that one person can feel less alone. That’s what matters to me. I want to help folks. If I can help at least one person through embarrassing, cringy or sometimes sentimental videos, then that’s what I’ll do.”
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