NEED TO KNOW
- A woman loses her father and takes on the responsibility of handling his affairs
- Her ex–stepmom quickly begins pushing for a copy of his death certificate
- Reddit users weigh in on whether she was wrong to deny the request
A woman seeks advice from the Reddit community after losing her father and clashing with her former stepmother over a sensitive request. The poster, 30, shares that her father, 63, recently passed away, and she and her sibling “Taylor” are handling everything as his next of kin.
She explains that her dad had been divorced for nearly 15 years from her ex–stepmom, “Helga,” after a brief marriage of about five years. “They were married about 5 years, had no kids, and she wasn’t financially dependent on him,” she writes, adding that Helga remarried a couple of years later but would still occasionally check in with her dad.
When her father passed, Helga initially stepped forward to help with arrangements. “She tried helping us pick a funeral home and even suggested getting the state to cover his cremation since Taylor and I were paying,” the poster recalls.
Helga also offered to look for photos to contribute to the memorial. But according to the post, her involvement soon shifted into something else: “Helga has also continuously asked for the death certificate.”
The poster says that Taylor told Helga she was the one handling the paperwork with the funeral home. Just minutes later, she received a direct text from Helga asking to buy a copy.
“I responded: ‘I’m not comfortable providing Dad’s death certificate. It contains sensitive personal details and I need to protect that,’ ” she explains. Instead, she directed Helga to the state’s Vital Records office, telling her they would determine if she was eligible to request one herself.
At first, it seemed like the matter was settled. “She replied that was fine, asked if I had gotten one yet, and thanked me when I said we were still waiting and I thanked her for her understanding. I thought it was a mature conversation,” the daughter writes.
But soon after, Helga went to Taylor and expressed her frustration. “She then texted Taylor upset that I ‘said no to getting me a death certificate so I feel very hurt. He and I talked a lot. I will think about sending pictures. It’s not fair,’ ” the post continues.
Taylor reminded her they were grieving too, but Helga pushed back. “She said, ‘I know what hurt is… but there’s really no reason I shouldn’t be able to have a certificate. I have the marriage license and other papers. Just wanted to close my file,’” the poster recalls.
At that point, Taylor grew frustrated. “Taylor told her Vital Records will determine eligibility, and that withholding pictures of Dad because she didn’t get her way was immature and hurtful and that pictures are not a bargaining chip for documents,” the daughter explains.
Still, Helga didn’t let it go. “She replied, ‘I can say the same. I have his SS number and DOB. Remember I was married to him almost 6 years. If I find pics with you girls I’ll send. If you can’t say how he passed then it must be really bad. May God rest his soul.’”
For the siblings, the exchange left a bitter taste. “We haven’t responded since, but it feels so wrong,” the daughter shares.
She insists she did the right thing by directing Helga to the proper state office instead of providing the document herself. “She isn’t entitled to his death certificate and I advised her how to get one if she feels she should have one,” she explains.
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But she admits Helga’s persistence and her choice of words left her uneasy. “The way she’s demanding it makes me uneasy and like I am being used for something slimy,” the post concludes.
In the Reddit thread, commenters rallied behind her. One wrote, “NTA. Don’t know why she’d think she was entitled to this paperwork since she’s been an ex more than twice as long as she was his wife. Odd behavior for sure. Stand your ground on this.”
Another agreed, pointing out the practical side of such documents. “NTA – typically a widow will need extra copies of the death certificate to remove names from things like the bank account, electric and gas bills. If she’s been divorced and remarried, there shouldn’t be any accounts with his and her name from way back then. I think you’re right directing her to the records people.”
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